Reflections Upon Loss

I saw it wash over me, an ocean of waves neither dam nor dike could hinder; a disconcerting calmness, like the symphony of discordant seagulls crying out in the distance. The sea washes this same beach for decades, centuries, millenia, and the beach does not complain. The air strokes the foamy crests, and the water does not respond. It was as if all were frozen, a painting to be seen from afar, yet moving somehow, and yet not at all. Everything was terribly still and yet in the darkness, in the shadowed reaches of the sea I swear I could see something, but once I looked, it was not there. The unknown abyss’ reaches brought with it a tremendously terrifying calmness, like a friend who soothes, or at least tries to, while in reality they are just raking over the same traumatic memory, best forgotten, over and over, reminding the poor victim of their vices, of their failures, of Fate’s cruel hand, of Destiny’s cruel roads. Amidst the void I may have seen the Kraken, a beast ruling the sea. There are many fish in the sea. But the Kraken is unique. It grabs on, capturing you, and never letting go…the sailors tell stories of it long after it is gone, in the same way I remember Her long after she is gone. Her charm latches onto you and never lets go. Nonetheless, I wanted to know. I wanted to find out why. I wished the emptiness beneath the sea would tell me. But it remained silent and solemn. And when I focused with all my might, I could hear the darkness speak to me. Give up. But I would not. Surely there was nothing to be achieved by giving in? I did not have Her… but I would. I would see to that.

Driftwood. Dead, rotting, forever silent. An idea! The fibery hand of nature reaching from the earth, trying to grasp the sky; the sky kisses the leaves and rustles the thin greenery, sizes ranging from oily bright thick to a feathery silhouette. The leaves of that tree fall upon the water, and thus I have not forgotten. And I hope too, that I am not forgotten. I know She is not forgotten, for I am still yet here. The sea brought me no answers, but perhaps amidst the unique blossoms and branches of the sturdy trunk would. But I was wrong. The oldened tree turned away when I looked for guidance, and I knew my cause was for nothing. A refusal to answer incited rage within. I would not stand for this insolence! I rushed to the tree, and struck it! The tree answered with a punch of its own, a well-placed one right to my forehead. I looked over and saw the scattered branch with its leaves dashed upon the ground and over my body. The leaves looked alike, but I knew it was not true. Perhaps there are many leaves for each twig, many twigs for each branch, many branches for each tree, many trees for each world. But among all this variety I knew only Her was special. It was as if she was the unique, fruit-bearing bud on an otherwise barren tree.

Perhaps somewhere among the sands were the answer. Was it not a common theme, the sands of time revealing the answers? I scattered the miniscule molecules, but the desolation of gray, beige, and white-tinted yellow refused to respond. The sea washed up again and again upon these forsaken dunes. The dunes do not complain. They will never complain. And they told me this. The dunes, they said there was no need to complain. Complaining is useless. And in the gravity of that moment I felt the empty calmness fall over me like suffocatingly heavy dust, trapping me and numbing my senses… a flash of horror, and I felt myself sinking backwards into the sand, further and further, disappearing… The sand looked all the same. The pebbles and stones amidst it were meaningless to me. I hated this. It meant nothing, and I was losing hope…

Hope, the last flicker of light. The sun had left me to my useless meanderings. It was gone. And as it left, the sun must have met the moon halfway and warned it not to show itself, lest it be pestered by my pestiferous questioning. And so I was bathed in darkness. She was gone. Long gone. I stared at the icy depths I could not see. I felt the cold wind’s breath I could not taste. I breathed the stink of the sea I could not smell. I listened to the call of the water I could not hear.

And deep within me, I felt that which I could not feel.